Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
What the hell happened here.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?