My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Finally
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I triple waxed for this?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
do horses think humans are hats
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia