*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
You Might Also Like
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone