My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.