Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
looks legit
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.