CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.