The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet