You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Welcome
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you