You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story