My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.