My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”