Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
why no one uses midhusbands
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
tis the season
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park