Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[at the general store]
me: one general please
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*