*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Wait for it
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?