Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Something Saturday.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*