I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
reviewed some movies recently
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.