Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You Might Also Like
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART