In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job