Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.