Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
the #horror is real!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
got so much cardio in today
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Cause of death: Zumba
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi