DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
fair
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”