Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.