6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”