Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular