Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next