“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth