If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready