[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I hope Alan is OK
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Pickled cat.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.