I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
🤣dope
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?