Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.