Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I need this for my side hustle.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Spa day..😅
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.