My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Breaking news:
Dolls on drugs
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Don’t make me out nice you.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.