Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.