I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
You Might Also Like
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”