Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You Might Also Like
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*