I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
This guy gets it.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.