Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad