5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
He just like my cat fr
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”