Finally, an explanation.
You Might Also Like
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
hmm conte-me mais
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.