I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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the Monday after daylight savings
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Dietest Coke
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
It’s an epidemic…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes