*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Somebody call the cops.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.