If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.