Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You Might Also Like
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Breaking news:
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses