Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward