Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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good work, everybody
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you