“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job