North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
You Might Also Like
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me