I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless