BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You Might Also Like
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Best table by far
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil