“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
🐕🍷
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.